the tears of a clown

I used to cry a lot, like all the time. Nowadays, it's turned into more of an "almost cry." For instance, I almost cried at just about every card they read at my friend Deb's baby shower. ESPECIALLY the cheesy ones! I almost cried when Noah dropped a kitchen chair on my foot and it totally swelled up. But I was a "big girl" and bit them back!

I also almost cried yesterday. A little background info: even though N is so totally healthy I still can barely believe it, I have these moments where I just cry. He will look at me a certain way, and it's waterworks. Or, he will struggle with something just a little bit, and I'm a weeping mess. It's like I think of where my boy has come from and want the rest of his life to be perfect and painless!

Yesterday, he was wheezing beyond belief and I decided to give him a treatment before his 1 on 1 teacher arrived. The treatments make him very jittery and what seems to be "disobedient." Imagine an already hyperactive 2 yr old boy downing a double expresso. Make that a triple. He runs into walls, falls on his face, and literally shakes while moving NONSTOP until the stuff wears off. It's a constant "no, stop, don't" and I HATE IT!! But the kid has to breathe...

So his teacher arrived with a super cool box of games and activities to teach and Noah could not control himself. He kept going for the box, making a mess of the current activity, and totally lacked the ability to "wait." The teacher kept saying "Noah, no, stop, don't" and finally "If you will not wait, I will leave and we will have to do this next week."

I bit my lip on that comment bc adults TOTALLY have to follow through on their threats with 2 yr olds. If they don't they will instantly and forever become the kid's doormat...

Sure enough .001 seconds later, Noah jumped up and went back for the box. The teacher packed up and left. I bit back tears as he was leaving. I do not want my kid to be the "bad" kid just because he can't control himself and needs to breathe!!

Hopefully God wants us to move to Florida before he enters "real" school. That way we won't have to wrestle cold and flu season, he won't need the treatments and his self-control will have a chance to mature!! Then mommy will have to find something else to cry about...

(note: The teach felt bad once he recognized that I HAD mentioned the treatment and lack of control issue. He tried to hang out w/ noah outside for a bit before he totally left for good.)